A second chance

Something not meant for something like me + my Substack has changed, I'd love for you to stick around but please, only keep in your inbox what feels good

We’re all just passing through. Something I try to remind myself when another loaf doesn’t rise or the lady at the checkout confiscates my bottle of wine in front of twelve people because I’ve forgotten my driving licence.

“We’re all just passing through” I’ll say when I feel shy meeting new humans or I need to remind myself that this moment is the moment.

This loaf is the loaf. This girl is the girl. This moment really is the moment. It’s going to pass, so I’ll try and stick around for it.

I never thought I’d become someone who whips up a cake at 9pm or uses what she already has before she dopamine shops, but I have. Never thought I’d be someone who went on holiday, but the last few years I have eaten tacos on Isla Mujeres and inhaled warm, buttery pastéis de nata in Portugal.

Travelling didn’t cross my mind in my early twenties. I was fast to wrap a white picket fence around a house I was trying to build on sand. I think we tend to do that, craving stability after less stable beginnings. We can end up trying to build a home with anyone who might offer us one, instead of nestling down where we are safe and wanted.

I never thought about a gap year or following it up with university. It’s only recently I’ve pondered on why I didn’t think these things were worth considering. Why I believed they weren’t options for someone like me. Unaffordable, so I didn’t bother to look into it, want it. It definitely wasn’t expected. My younger sister ended up being the first person in our family to attend university, and my other studied with the OU. They both work with children and they do it beautifully. Our family has pictures of them side by side on the wall in their graduation caps. I must remember to print them one of me holding a Madeira cake (joking guys <3).

I don’t regret my decisions. Others went to travel or study abroad, some started families and the rest, I’m not sure. I tend to not search for people who only knew me in a 10x rolled up school skirt and dream matte mousse, although it is occasionally nice and equally awkward to bump into someone.

My divorce was a catalyst for self acceptance and it saved me in every way I struggle to put into words. It led me to experiencing more flavour, to seeing a world beyond what I once believed available to me and after a few years, it led me to the man I now call home.

The person who cooks chicken and olive casserole with me at 10pm on a Friday night and forces me to watch films I’ll say I won’t enjoy, and then end up crying with laughter anyway (a trait I have inherited from my mum). The person I harvested my first potatoes, purple sprouting broccoli and tomatoes with. Next year we’ve planned see more of the world together.

I’ve been paying off debt from my divorce and the things I brought when I would spend my days dreaming I was someone else. Hoping I can begin to give myself a bit more freedom and grace instead of working to pay for what I accidentally did yesterday. As I became more joyful, I started cooking more and buying less. Started drawing more and using shampoo until I had none left. I started having more fun and honestly? I want to have more.

I’m hoping to save enough to, work, laugh, cook and eat (if the latter goes to plan I’m happy to roll) my way around the world. I am very lucky to be able to earn a little bit of money on the move.

We’ll be leaving this coming February and I would love to share some words, food that shouldn’t be left in my mind alone and my experience with you here. There’s going to be a few steps to take over the next few months. A loose plan, some vaccinations, me cycling nervous/excited energy and trying to live on as little as possible to name a few.

I often refer to this part of my life as a second chance. I could very easily be somewhere very different right now, I guess as we all could. I am glad to have waited until twenty nine to explore, that I learnt how to enjoy food, I am glad my ex-husband left me and I am very glad I found me, and him, and my zest for life again.

K x